Summer Moviethon 2016: X-Men: The Last Stand

June 17: #6, X-Men: The Last Stand

X2 knocked it out of the park. Surely Brett Ratner can't fuck this up, right? Right?

Wrong. About a third of the way into the 2006 installment into the X-Men franchise, you think that maybe Brett Ratner turned in a good film. You think that, but all Ratner has really done is turned in some good moments.

Young Angel cutting off his wings in the bathroom! Colossus tossing Wolverine in the first silver screen fastball special! The Danger Room! A Stan Lee cameo!

But in the middle third, things start to slow down and by the final act, we're off the rails and X-Men: The Last Stand instead earns the dubious distinction of being the worst X-Men film. What went wrong?

First of all, Magneto surrounds himself with what appears to be dozens of extras from the Club Hel scene in Matrix Revolutions. Oh, but one of them is like a porcupine! And another can eject an unlimited supply of bones from his arms, which he can then throw at people. Why is that better than throwing knives? Who knows, but it's more gross, at least.

Mutant or not, Danny Trejo's character from Desperado would have been a better choice, Mags.

The film tries to tackle two major comic book storylines in 104 minutes and doesn't do either one justice. It particularly messes up the classic Dark Phoenix story that was so perfectly set up in X2. Ratner and company decide to foreshadow the unmitigated disaster that was Spider-Man 3, replacing any nuanced differences in Jean Grey's behavior with just having her be kind of a tramp instead.

Also on the romantic side, a charisma-less Ellen Page appears as Kitty Pride, aka Shadowcat, and promptly gains the attention of Bobby (aka Iceman) despite appearing to be like 14 years old while Bobby could pass for 30. This leads to a pretty lame love triangle between what appear to be two grad students and a high school freshman, as well as to some really awful decision-making on the part of Rogue, played capably by Anna Paquin.

There are little issues, too. The writing is corny at times, leaving us with precious few of the witty exchanges we saw in the previous two films. Wolverine's weird pining for someone who he barely interacted with throughout two films feels forced and creepy, as when he lectures Scott while saying, "I know how you feel."

"Maybe she would have loved you if you didn't smell like old cigars and beer farts, Logan."

Dude. Scott and Jean had a serious relationship going already when Logan moved in and decided to get a high school crush on her. He disappeared between X-Men and X2, all the while Scott and Jean continued to be together, and he somehow knows how Scott feels? Yeah, it makes Wolverine look like a dick. Luckily, Scott saves the scene with this ace line: "Not everyone heals as fast as you, Logan."

The ending is a mess, too, killing three major characters and really writing the franchise into a corner. Magneto suddenly comes to a conclusion that he's made a terrible mistake, a conclusion which seems forced and undermines everything the character has been about. Then there's Rogue, who gives up her mutant powers in an apparent attempt to get her boyfriend back, denying her any type of agency whatsoever in the process. I could be more harsh with the grade, but the movie does have some really good moments that help it stand above other duds in the genre. It's just too bad they don't come together to make a solid film.

Grade: C-

Summer Moviethon 2016: X2: X-Men United

June 17: #5, X2: X-Men United

Does X2 still rank as one of the best superhero films ever?

What seems like a few decades ago, X2 came out and was immediately hailed as perhaps the best comic-based superhero film yet. The next year, Spider-Man 2 came out and gave it a run for its money, followed by other instant classics such as Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, and Avengers. There have even been a couple of really strong X-Men sequels to challenge X2, such as X-Men: First Class and X-Men: Days of Future Past.

I'm happy to say that for me, X2 still holds up. The Nightcrawler opening is still awesome, as is Wolverine's first on-screen rampage at the X-Mansion and Magneto's escape from his plastic prison.

Beyond such memorable set pieces, the film simply improves upon the original in just about every way. Halle Berry dropped the puzzling accent she used as Storm in the first installment, the fight scenes are much better choreographed (Wolverine vs. Lady Deathstrike stands out), and the new additions to the hero and villain rosters include more hits than misses.

Goodbye silly accent, hello silly haircut.

Mystique is much better here, with a particularly memorable escape scene that really sells her as someone being worthy of such a high rank in Magneto's organization. The film is paced well, which is a good thing since at over two hours, this isn't a short film. The finale isn't as dynamic as in many superhero films, but seeing William Stryker get his is satisfying and Jean Grey's demise is well executed (no pun intended).


As with most of the X-films, the movie works as social commentary, with Patrick Stewart's Professor Xavier and Ian McKellan's Magneto both having plenty of thought-provoking things to say during their exchanges. The parallels to the struggles of gay people are pretty obvious and a little heavy-handed, but they still work. When Bobby's mom asks him, "Have you tried not being a mutant?," it's both brilliant satire and a wonderful point.

"No, Mom. Have you tried not being an ignorant slut?"

While I don't think X2 is the greatest comic-based superhero film ever any longer, it's still an amazing effort that holds up very well after 13 years. Hugh Jackman really comes into his role as Wolverine here, while Stewart and McKellan ground the film with their continued greatness as the series' iconic frienemies. This is still one of the best superhero films ever.

Grade: A-

Summer Moviethon 2016: X-Men

June 16: #4, X-Men

Fear the wrath of...Toad!

Blade was earlier, but I still consider the first X-Men to be the first superhero comic film of the modern era. Although the superhero movies that came out in the first several years of the new millenium don't entirely hold up that well, many still have a soft spot for X-Men. Me? Not really.

This is weird, mind you. I have about 3,000 comics sitting in my house and a fair amount of them are X-Men comics. I've dutifully seen just about every comic book movie while it was in theaters, including Ghost Rider. I'm squarely in the target market for X-Men, even if I always preferred Spider-Man and Batman to Marvel's team of mutants.

I remember not being that crazy about this movie when it first came out, which surprises me after watching it again the other day. Some of my original criticism of the film still applies, but it's still a really solid movie, and the first credible attempt to bring Marvel's characters to the big screen. It was my duty as a nerd to like X-Men! So why didn't I?

Let's check in on some of the things I disliked about X-Men 16 years ago and see whether they still apply today:

#1: The villains mostly sucked. This one holds true today. Mystique was good, but a little underutilized in what is actually a pretty fast-paced film compared to the more bloated superhero films we see now. But Sabretooth? Awful. Who decided that Sabretooth should speak primarily in grunts and roars? And Toad is a C-lister, not someone who should be able to fight off Jean Grey, Cyclops, and Storm at the same time.

Halle Berry as Storm: 100% more enjoyable without the stupid accent she uses in X-Men.

#2: Underwhelming special effects. Surprisingly, I've softened my stance a bit on this, even though special effects have only gotten better since X-Men. I remember hating how Wolverine's claws looked in the first film, for instance. Sure, some of effects work is a little lame (like when Senator Fantastic squeezes between the bars of his cell to escape), but I can overlook that stuff. A lot of the special effects actually do hold up well, too, such as when Professor X enters Cerebro.

#3: Mediocre casting. When the movie came out, I remember not approving of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Too tall, I said. Too skinny, I complained. Not hairy enough, I lamented. Sure, those things are true, and Jackman hadn't really hit his stride as Logan in this film, but since then he's grown into the role and now I take back that particular complaint.

I also didn't like Ian McKellen as Magneto when the film was released. In the comics, Magneto has gray hair, sure, but other than that, he's a beefy dude just like all the other bodybuilders masquerading as superheroes. However, he does a nice job in the role and since he was a child during the Holocaust, there's not much of a way to get around him being older. Some of my other complaints in 2000 were just as silly (Famke Janssen as Jean Grey...at the time I said someone "hotter" should have gotten the role. Not sure what I was thinking then, either), and they don't apply any longer.

Ian McKellan after hitting the gym for a couple of months. Oh, and creatine. Lots of creatine.

#4: The fight scenes were just okay. I still agree with 2000 Jon (Jon2000? Would have been a sweet rapper name in 1998). The fight between Wolverine and Mystique was pretty bad, honestly. Many of the action sequences in the film are ruined for my by the wirework in the film, which is really floaty looking and unrealistic. Even an otherwise strong intro for Wolverine early in the movie is marred by the corny "metal hitting metal" sound effects whenever Logan hits the other fighter. And why would a metal bone hitting a regular bone make that sound? That was a case of early comic movies not trusting us to know the characters.

So a lot of the things that made me dislike X-Men in 2000 don't really bother me so much anymore. Anyway, this film has a lot of classic moments, mostly involving the ball-busting between Wolverine and Cyclops. Between Wolverine leaving his middle claw up to flip off his longtime frienemy to telling Cyclops "you're a dick" to prove his identity later in the film, the rivalry between the two is pure gold. Patrick Stewart and McKellan are really good, Halle Berry...well, looks great, and the film tells a solid story that sets up the next movie nicely. I'm glad I watched this one again after not seeing it for several years.

Grade: B-

Summer Moviethon 2016: Alice Through the Looking Glass

June 14: #3, Alice Through the Looking Glass

"Everyone parts with everything eventually, my dear."

Just a few hours after finally watching 2010's Alice in Wonderland, I went with the fam to see Alice Through the Looking Glass at the theater in my tiny little town. As a parent, I go to pretty much every family-friendly film that comes through, since it's a chance to go see a movie and eat cheap popcorn without getting a sitter.


I hadn't read reviews before seeing Alice 2: All Heads are Off, but I had heard that it was basically an assault against humanity and/or cynical cash grab. I'd say that assessment is about a quarter correct, as the movie isn't really bad, but certainly exists to make money. But hey, it's a Disney film, not an art house flick made on a shoestring budget. Plenty of good movies were made in order to turn a profit.

Lets get it out of the way: Alice II: Curiouser-er is pretty good at times. If you're sitting in a theater to watch it by choice, you already know you're in for a ton of special effects, and they're well done. Sure, you'll get a bit of an overload effect after watching computer-generated backgrounds, characters and foreheads for two hours straight, but the sea of time sequences and end sequence are still pretty awe-inspiring.

Sea of time? That's right. Like any sequel that was made when ideas were running a bit short, this one features time travel. Basically, the Mad Hatter is in trouble and Alice quickly realizes that the only way to fix it all is to not only go back to Wonderland, but to travel through time once she's there. Oh, and because it's a Tim Burton production, Time is an actual person, played by Sacha Baron Cohen, who kind of acts as if he's doing a half-assed impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'm as cold as ice. Or should I say Al-ice?"

Yes, it's only a Tim Burton production this time around, as James Bobin handles the directing duties. Don't be worried, though, he basically directs as if he's been tasked with doing a Tim Burton impression, which he pretty much has. Bobin does a passable enough Burton pastiche, especially since many elements of the film were already established by Burton's Alice six years ago.

Really, everything about this is kind of similar to the last, only a notch or two to the left on the meh-meter. The acting is fine, but Depp seems to have cranked up the lisp and turned down the charisma as the Mad Hatter. Helena Bonham Carter is excellent as the Red Queen again, as this time she's been afforded the chance to add a few extra dimensions to the character through her (admittedly silly) backstory.

The framed narrative is even worse this time than the last, as we're dragged into this whole mess because Alice's mother inexplicably decides to sell all of her shit while she's away being chased by pirates on the open sea. Why would you do that, you ask? To move the plot forward, of course! The resolution at the end is just as forced and nonsensical.

Pictured: How Johnny Depp actually dresses when not playing a strange character.

"I fear I may never see you again," confesses Alice to the Mad Hatter late in the movie.

"Well, we've only made $63 million in the US so far, so you may be right," Alice should have responded. "But I'll see you in 15 years for the reboot!"

Don't be afraid to see this movie if you liked the first. It's good enough, even if it lacks a lot of the charm of the first. If you hated 2010's Alice, Alice 2: Electric Boogaloo won't change your mind.

Grade: C+